I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
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