Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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