He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
