By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He better not be in your backpack
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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