my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
