Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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