my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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