Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
