I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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