its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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