I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
