He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
