Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
