I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
