you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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