Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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