If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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