He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Tornado booty call.. dedication
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
