I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
