Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
