Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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