At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
