you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
