we have pet lesbian snakes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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