its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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