Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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