Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
