Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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