It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
