The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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