New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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