If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
