I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
