I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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