I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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