I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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