My sheets look like a crime scene.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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