Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
