i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
