currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
