Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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