you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
