i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
