You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Everyone says I win the strip club
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
