Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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