I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
