I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
