hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
