So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
