that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
