4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
PS: I just woke up from my shower
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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