it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
