Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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