Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
