Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
