In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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