I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
