i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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