Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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