the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
