and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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