omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
