i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
