I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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