Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
