u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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