You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
